Doctor Jaws
by Radon65
Summary: The Ninth Doctor, the Tenth Doctor, Rose, Jack, Jackie, and Mickey are all on the boat Brody, Quint, and Hooper formerly occupied in Jaws. No, I don't know how they got there. And I don't know where the Jaws crew went. But we're sure to have a good time. Crack fic.


**Doctor Jaws**

The Doctor looked down skeptically into the churning water, frowning and tilting his head as he considered the options. The shark momentarily spun away from the boat, then turned back to ram it. The small craft jolted with the impact, a splintering sound reaching his ears from below.

"Um, hello!" he heard Rose shout. "Any ideas here?" The Doctor's frown deepened slightly and his brows drew together in concentration.

"We could always see how it reacts to some of the settings on the screwdriver," he suggested. "A number of modulations would effect it." He turned around to his former self and Rose, watching as the latter folded his arms and shrugged.

"Oh, it's not such a bad idea," the other man replied in the Northern accent that had been very strange to acquire and very strange to lose. "But it's short-term. We've really just got to get the thing out of here." He moved to stand by his future self and observe the shark with him. He grinned as the shark half leapt out of the water at them, teeth gnashing. The Doctors moved back slightly as the shark came within half a meter of chewing their shoes off. The Doctor chuckled, looking at his future self briefly before turning his eyes back toward the giant fish that was currently diving beneath the boat. "We could always just throw some Nitro-Nine in after it." The other Doctor ran a hand through his tousled hair.

"Does that stuff explode underwater?" he asked his former self. "I don't remember." His former self thought a moment, then shook his head.

"I don't remember, either."

"There's a _much_ simpler solution," came a voice behind them, its tone indicating that he thought both the Doctors were morons. They spun to see Jack standing there, holding his pride and joy. "I'll just shoot it with my sonic blaster."

"No!" The Doctors answered simoultaneously, both of them taking on an irritated look.

"We're not killing the thing," the older Doctor insisted.

"That's right," the younger agreed. "The Nitro-Nine was a joke. It doesn't view what it's doing as wrong. It's simply feeding in order to survive. It doesn't deserve to die, and if there's a way to solve the problem without killing it, we're gonna do it." Jack cocked his head at the both of them.

"When it says 'older' and 'younger,'" he asked, "Does it mean older-looking or older agewise?"

"Age-wise," the Doctor answered. He pointed to himself. "I'm the older one, 'cause I've already been him." He jerked his thumb at the man beside him, who grinned.

"And I'm the younger," the Doctor agreed. "A mere youth compared to this bloke here."

"What does it matter anyway?" the older Doctor asked. "It's not as if you can't tell the two of us apart when we're talking." Jack rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, _I_ can tell you two apart. I can hear you and see you. _They_ on the other hand," he said, gesturing expansively, "are just getting all this textually. It's makes it harder for them to know which one of you is talking."

"Then they obviously don't know either of us well enough," the older Doctor said shortly, and turned back to study the shark, which seemed to have disappeared. Behind his back, Jack rolled his eyes again.

"Geez, you try to be helpful, and what do you get?"

"A punch on the nose," the younger Doctor threatened, moving to the other side of the boat to see if he could spy the shark. Jack sighed resignedly.

"No respect," he said, shaking his head, "I get no respect around here." Rose moved next to him and put her arms around him.

"I respect you Jack," she consoled. Jack grinned and turned toward her, sliding his hands around to feel up her hips.

"Will you respect me in the morning?" he teased.

"Oi, you get your hands off my daughter!" Jackie leapt forward and knocked Jack back from Rose, sending the blaster careening toward the prow.

"Hey!" Jack tore himself away from Jackie and bounded after the blaster, catching it before it had a chance to tip into the sea. He spun around to berate her. "Do you know how expensive this thing was? Do you know what it can do? You almost gave to a shark as a play toy!" Not one to ever be outdone in a shouting match (except perhaps where the Doctor was concerned), Jackie put her hands on her hips and glared back at the ex-Time Agent.

"I don't care how expensive your bits an' bobs are, you don't go feelin' up my daughter in my presence and expect me to offer you a teacake!"

"Expensive?" The older Doctor scratched his head absently as he looked for the shark. "I thought you got it from the Time Agency, free issue." Jackie gave Jack a look, and Jack glared at the Doctor's back.

"Thanks Doc," he said sarcastically. "I really appreciate the help."

"You're welcome," the Doctor answered cheerfully, though it wasn't the Doctor Jack had been glaring at. The shark chose that moment to ram into the boat from underneath, shaking it hard. Rose jumped, Jackie screamed, and Mickey grabbed a hold of the mast to steady himself.

"Can you lot stop talking about free issues and start worrying about what we're gonna do about the shark?" Mickey demanded nervously. "It's gonna wreck the boat and sink us!"

"Calm down, Rickey boy," the younger Doctor replied. "It's hard enough to think without you lot complaining in the background."

"So sorry," Rose snapped. "He just happens to be turning the conversation back to saving our lives before we get eaten!"

"I suppose we should be worried, too," the older Doctor remarked. "We can't regenerate if he eats enough of us." The younger Doctor looked at him quickly.

"Got a point there," he agreed. "So, ideas anyone?"

"Kill it," Jackie suggested.

"We already said no to that," the older Doctor said in exasperation. "You were here, or were you not listening 'cause you were too busy admirin' Jack's bum?" Jack spun around.

"Ooh, really?" he crowed.

"Why you-" Jackie began, but Jack cut her off by stepping forward with his lips puckered. Jackie took one look at him and beat a hasty retreat. Rose buried her head in her hands as they ran around the boat deck, while Mickey just watched in a sort of horrified fascination. The younger Doctor glanced at the older one.

"You're a mite rude there," he commented. The older Doctor grinned wickedly.

"That's me," he said majestically. "Rude and not ginger." Rose giggled. Jack skidded to a halt and looked at the Doctor's thoughtfully.

"You know, I don't really think this 'older' and 'younger' thing is working for me," he said. "What if we tell you two apart by your hair or something?" The younger Doctor snorted.

"What, like I'm the short-haired Doctor and he's the longer-haired Doctor?" Jack shrugged.

"Sure, let's try it."

"Remind me again why this is a concern?" the longer-haired Doctor asked. Jack held up his hands in pacification.

"I'm just trying to make it easier for them, okay?"

"Whatever." The longer-haired Doctor turned away and the short-haired Doctor joined him in peering at the angry shark, which apparently had done nothing in the last few minutes so the conversation could go on uninterrupted.

"What if we just move it to another part of the ocean?" the longer-haired Doctor suggested. "Away from the beach, in the middle of the Atlantic."

"It's a thought," the short-haired Doctor agreed. "But it's an awfully big shark. I don't suppose it could swim back?"

"Maybe," the longer-haired Doctor conceeded.

"_Or_, I could just shoot it with my blaster," Jack suggested again.

"Are you obsessed?" the short-haired Doctor demanded irritably. "We said we're not going to kill it."

"It'll be painless," Jack insisted. "Completely humane. The molecules will just dissipate. It won't feel a thing." He looked at Rose and winked roguishly. "Kind of like me when I've had twelve hypervodkas. Care to join me?"

"_Humane_," the longer-haired Doctor said scornfully. "You humans are so stuck on yourselves."

"It's only a word," Rose argued. "What would you prefer, Timelordane?"

"It doesn't matter, 'cause we're not killin' it," the short-haired Doctor said dismissively.

"I've got it," the longer-haired Doctor said suddenly. "We'll take it to a different planet. Someplace compatible with its physiology. It certainly won't be able to find its way back across space."

"All right," the short-haired Doctor agreed. "How exactly are we gonna transport it?" The longer-haired Doctor looked at him curiously.

"The TARDIS, of course."

"Sorry to interrupt," Jack said, pushing his way to railing between them. "But the hair thing isn't working, either."

"What hair thing?" the longer-haired Doctor asked.

"Telling you two apart by your hair," Jack said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. The shark rammed the ship again just to let everyone know it still existed, and Jack caught himself with a hand. "It's a little awkward, and 'longer-haired Doctor' kind of takes a while to type."

"So does 'dismissively,'" the longer-haired Doctor pointed out.

"Look, I'm not in charge," Jack said defensively. "Let's just try something else, okay? Refer to each of you by your numbers."

"Fine, whatever." Nine waved a hand dismissively. He turned back to Ten, pushing Jack out of the way. Jack stumbled backwards and collided with Mickey. "As I was about to say," Nine continued, "The TARDIS is all well and good, but it might be difficult." Ten shrugged.

"All we have to do is put it in one of the swimming pools."

"You've got _swimming pools_ on that thing?" Jackie asked incredulously. "And more than one?"

"Oh yeah," Jack said, sliding his hands up to rest on Jackie's torso. "It's got hot tubs, too." Jackie elbowed him in the stomach and he fell to the floor cursing.

"It's gonna be hard to materialize just right so he lands in one of the swimming pools," Nine pointed out. The shark rammed the boat again, and the wood groaned, the distant sound of water pouring into the hold joining the chorus.

"We're sinking if anybody cares," Rose stated.

"'Course somebody cares!" Mickey cried. "I mean, maybe they're nuts but I like 'aving my skin in one piece!"

"I like your skin in one piece, too," Jack said weakly from the floor.

"That's pretty lame innuendo, Jack," Rose commented.

"I'm injured," Jack complained. "I'm allowed a few bad ones." His face lit up after a moment. "Care to kiss me and make me better?" Rose kicked his foot and moved away to survey the damage to the boat. Jack sighed and sat up slowly.

"We could always just materialize so he lands in the console room, and ask the TARDIS to shift the place around," Ten suggested. "Move one of the pool rooms in instead of the console room." Nine thought for a moment.

"That might work," he agreed. "Once it's in the TARDIS, we can take it to a nice planet. Erricos IV, I think. Big oceans, no sentient life." Ten nodded, then cocked his head as an idea occurred to him.

"We could always give it to Mennakas. She'd love it, and we haven't seen her in ages."

"Huh? _Her_? Who's her?" Rose whipped around to look at them quickly. But Nine was shaking his head.

"Nah, she'd probably eat it or something. Let's just take it to Erricos."

"Okay." Ten grinned. "One shark, going to Erricos. Where'd you put the TARDIS?" Nine looked at him.

"You didn't bring yours?" Ten's face fell.

"No, I left her in the 38th century, remember? You are giving me a lift back?"

"Uh, of course, of course." Nine looked perplexed. "It's just that, well, she's still on shore. Back at the island."

"_What_?" Jackie's screech was so high some of it may have entered the ultrasonic levels and frightened fish several kilometres away. The shark, at least, seemed to notice. He winced and then rammed the boat harder as if to encourage her to stop. Unfortunately for the shark (well, and the humans, and the Time Lords) it had the opposite affect.

"Shut up!" Ten shouted, holding his hands to his ears.

"Jackie Tyler, if you don't shut up, I'm going to push you overboard!" Nine yelled savagely. Jackie shut up.

"But how're we goin' to get back to shore?" Mickey cried, adding his own dose of panic. "That thing's gonna rip this ship up, it's gonna sink and we're all gonna die!"

"Your confidence is inspiring, Rickey," Nine told him.

"What's going on?" Adam asked. The entire group turned to look at him in consternation.

"How did you get here?" Nine demanded. Adam looked around curiously, his eyes turning into dinner plates as he saw the shark leap at the boat in all of its enormous, giant-toothed glory.

"I don't know, but I'm not staying!" Adam said hurriedly. He snapped his fingers and disappeared.

"That was weird," Ten commented.

"Nice break in the tension, though, don't you think?" Rose asked. Nine shrugged.

"Coulda been worse. Not like the tension was all that brilliant, either."

"Hey!" Jack admonished. "Be nice. On behalf of my employer, I-"

"Have nothing to say," Ten interrupted.

"You're gettin' paid?" Rose asked incredulously. Jack stopped short.

"Uh, not exactly..."

"You're not gettin' paid, at all," Rose said confidently. "You're just trying to sound more officious."

"Okay fine, I'm not getting paid," Jack admitted.

"I wonder how he did that," Nine commented. Ten shrugged.

"Oh, I dunno. Probably something to do with that hole in his head."

"The _what_?" Jackie cried.

"Look, not to interrupt or anythin', the conversation's brilliant,"

"Thank you!" Jack said cheerily.

"But we just might want to go back to how to get out of this 'cause I'd really like to live past 23." Mickey cleared his throat and looked hopefully at the Doctors. Jack yawned.

"Oh, getting out of here isn't a problem," he said. "My ship's here." Rose turned to look at him, eyes wide.

"Your ship's 'ere and you didn't bother to mention it?"

"'Course she's here," Jack answered, choosing to ignore the second half of Rose's query. "Sitting on the cabin. She's cloaked."

"Well that's solved then," Ten said. "We leave in Jack's ship." Jack folded his arms, looking at the Doctors wolfishly.

"Just a minute there, guys," he said jauntily. "It's my ship and I get to choose who enters."

"What, you're saying we can't come?" Nine demanded. Jack looked up at the sky.

"You know, this Nine and Ten thing is really working," he said. "I don't know if we're even gonna switch to 9th Doctor and 10th Doctor like we planned."

"Jack!" the 9th Doctor and the 10th Doctor shouted together. Jack looked at them incredulously.

"Hey, you guys don't get to do that! Only I announce the switches, and I said we're sticking with Nine and Ten!" The 9th Doctor grinned.

"We're not changin' anything until you stop worrying about telling us apart and get on with it."

"Oh, right!" Jack snapped back to business. "Where was I?" He paused a moment, then grinned. "Oh, yeah. Like I said, I get to choose who comes on my ship."

"And I said, 'what, you're saying we can't come?'" _the 9th Doctor_ said. Jack thought about wincing, but refused to give _Nine_ the pleasure. Ha!

"Oh, you guys can come," Jack continued, smiling, "but on one condition." _The 10th Doctor_ rolled his eyes. Jack refused to be baited.

"And what's that?" Jack grinned wickedly.

"Before I let you guys on board, you each have to let me kiss you."

"What!" _**the 9th Doctor**_ exploded.

"No way!" _**the 10th Doctor**_ agreed. Jack gave in and winced.

"Do you guys have to do that?"

"You're not snogging either one of us!" the 9th Doctor said firmly. "It's completely unnecessary." Jack stuck his tongue out.

"But fun." Mickey was staring at the three of them.

"You let this guy travel with you?" he asked. The 9th Doctor jerked at thumb at Rose.

"Blame her."

"Aw, come on, it's not that big a deal," Jack coaxed. "What have you got to lose?"

"Pride and dignity among other things," the 10th Doctor groaned.

"What, 'cause you're kissing a guy?"

"No, 'cause we're kissing _you_," the 9th Doctor interjected. Jack stopped still, shocked.

"Are you saying I'm not good?" The 10th Doctor looked away.

"Well..." Jack stared at him acutely.

"This is... This is a joke, right guys? I mean, I'm good, aren't I?" The 10th Doctor looked away and whistled. Jack turned on the 9th Doctor. "I'm good right?"

"Look, Jack," the 9th Doctor said mildly, trying to appease him, "We've only got one sample to go by, okay? And you were a bit stressed at the time..."

"_What!_" Jack was going into a fit. "That was supposed to be my goodbye kiss! It was supposed to be a remembrance! It was supposed to be beautiful!" He spun feverishly to look at Rose. "Rose? I kissed you, too. What did you think?" Rose crossed her feet and looked distinctly uncomfortable.

"Look, jus', jus' calm down Jack, okay? The Doctor's right, I mean, we were all kinda stressed out..."

"I can't believe this!" Jack's head tilted to one side and he started twitching. "This... this is a conspiracy! This is some kind of weird joke, you... you guys got together and came up with this..."

"Maybe we should take his blaster away from him," Ten suggested quietly.

"Yeah, maybe you should," Rose agreed, by now seriously concerned about Jack's sanity. Nine glanced at his future self.

"Oh, I already did that," he said offhandedly. "Didn't want him taking a shot at the shark."

"_What_!" Jack's hand flew to his pocket, and he pulled out a banana. Ten cracked up. Nine cracked up when he heard how Ten laughed. Rose cracked up when she heard Nine laughing at Ten's laugh. The shark cracked up when it realized the boat was still afloat and he hadn't done anything for the last half hour. Jackie and Mickey didn't crack up. They were too busy staring at the weird scene in front of them and totally not getting the reference. Jack also didn't crack up. He was too busy ripping the banana in half and jumping around the deck. Nine stopped laughing.

"Jack don't do that to the banana!" He stepped forward and snatched the fruit with his nimble fingers, offering the other half to Ten. The Doctors munched appreciatively and watched while Jack tried to get a hold of himself.

"You guys still can't come on my ship," Jack gasped at last.

"Oh no? If you don't let us on the ship, we'll start doing _this_ again." The 9th Doctor peeled his half of the banana a bit further. Jack groaned.

"Fine, you guys have kind of put me off the kissing-" Rose gasped.

"_What_?" Rose shook her head, as if unable to believe her ears. "Something has put Captain Jack Harkness off of _snogging_? You are losing your touch." Jack stared at her in panic.

"Rose, be nice," the 10th Doctor admonished. "I'm sure Jack will be back ready to snog kitchen sinks and anything that moves again in no time." Rose looked down.

"Sorry," she mumbled. Jack shook his head as if to clear it and turned back to the Doctors.

"You guys can come on board when you give me my blaster back." The 10th Doctor glanced at the 9th Doctor.

"What do you think? That's a fair deal, isn't it?" The 9th Doctor shook his head.

"It's a fair deal, but I'm not givin' it back to 'im until the shark's dealt with." The 10th Doctor looked at Jack.

"Maybe you're right." Jack hopped up and down and squirmed in annoyance.

"What, do you guys not _trust_ me? I'm not gonna shoot it! I mean, it was more of a joke than anything! Besides, it's hardly worth shooting now. It hasn't done anything in 40 minutes." Hearing this, the shark gathered up all of its strength and rammed the boat like anything. The wood splintered and cracked and more water poured in, causing the ship to sink faster.

"Nice going Jack," Rose said sarcastically. Water started to pool around their feet. Mickey gulped and Jackie looked above the cabin, where Jack claimed his ship was.

"Tell you what," the 9th Doctor said. "If you let us on your ship - and mind, I'm being nice about this, 'cause I bet we could get on your ship whether you wanted us to or not -" Jack flushed and the 9th Doctor held up his hand "we'll stop doin' this. If that's all right with you, mate," the 9th Doctor added, glancing at the 10th Doctor who shrugged unconcernedly. Jack looked at them.

"Stop doing what?"

"This." _**The 9th Doctor**_ grinned. Jack winced. He folded his arms and gritted his teeth.

"No."

_**The 9th Doctor and the 10th Doctor**_ just stared at him.

"Stop it!" Jack moaned.

"Say the magic words, Jack," _**the 10th Doctor**_ coaxed.

"Argh! Fine! Just stop it!" Jack pressed a button on his wristband and his ship decloaked, the door open and ready to receive passengers. Nine grinned.

"Knew he'd see it our way." Jack hurried toward his ship, Jackie and Mickey already scrabbling up the side of the cabin with Rose not far behind. They all piled in. The Doctors glanced back at the shark.

"Don't go away now," Ten warned it. "We'll be back in a flash. Here, you can have this 'til we come back." He tossed in the remains of his banana peel. Nine grinned and tossed his in, too. The Doctors nipped over to Jack's ship and climbed aboard, shutting the door just as the splintered remains of the boat sank into the sea.

"Pretty good take-off, considering it was practically out of the water, huh?" Jack asked. Nine shrugged.

"It was all right."

"This place is awfully cramped," Ten remarked, sitting down next to Nine to avoid bumping his head into the lower parts of the ceiling.

"Well, sorry it's not the TARDIS," Jack shot back, his tone indicating that he was anything but sorry. "We'll be back onshore into two minutes. If you guys can just shut up for that long, everything will be fine, okay?" The Doctors lapsed into a silence that lasted some time. Finally, as the beach came into view, Ten broke it.

"Jack, did you remember to put the cloaking device back on?" Jack blanched visibly and pushed a button quickly, hoping they hadn't been seen yet. Ten nodded sagely.

"Ah. Question answered." Nine chuckled and Rose giggled. Jack resolutely refused to say anything. In a few more moments, they landed in a secluded spot behind a grove of trees. Jack opened the ship's door and they all piled out. After shutting the door and making sure the cloaking device was still on, Jack turned to the Doctors.

"Okay, so where's the TARDIS?" Nine had pulled his sonic screwdriver, and both he and Ten were studying it.

"Should be... Ah, that way," Nine said, pointing. The group took off in the direction indicated, occasionally steered a little further to the left or right by one of the Doctors. At last they arrived at the familiar blue box and Ten opened the door. Nine gave him a sidelong glance and Ten looked at his shoes.

"Sorry. I know this one's yours, but she is... I mean, we are the same man." Nine shrugged.

"'S all right. S'pose it shouldn't bother me."

"No, I understand," Ten assured him. "It is weird."

"You two gonna stop nattering and come inside?" Rose called from within. "'Sides, you'll probably both want to see what Jack's doin'." That brought them both in in a hurry.

"Jack, stop that!" They shouted in unison when they saw him petting the console.

"Come on!" Jack protested as Nine pushed him unceremoniously back. "I just thought she could use some attention. _I_ could use some attention!"

"That is not the TARDIS's problem," Ten said shortly. He stepped up instinctively to the console, then paused and looked at Nine. Nine stepped up beside him and started working the controls.

"You can do the ones on that side," he said, indicating the other half of the console with a jerk of his head. "And we'll have to keep an eye on the monitor. Might take two of us to do this. We'll land in the water first and then try for the shark, yeah?"

"Sounds good," Ten agreed. Nine started the dematerialization sequence and the TARDIS shook and groaned. Jackie grabbed Rose's hand and Mickey looked at the Doctors uncertainly.

"It is supposed to do that?" he queried. Nine snorted as he worked the controls.

"'Course she's supposed to do this," he said irritably.

"Adds zest to the trip," Ten agreed, flipping a lever and glancing at the monitor. "Should be... right about there!" He jabbed his finger at something invisible to the humans in the room and Nine nodded.

"Right." He punched a sequence of buttons on the console and the wheezing sound of materialization filled the room. Nine and Ten moved to the monitor simultaneously and looked for the shark. "We'll want to try and catch it when it's not moving much." He furrowed his brows. "How're we gonna do that?"

"You know," Jack piped up from where he was sulking on the floor, "You've both forgotten something very important."

"And what might that be?" Ten asked.

"Getting the shark in the TARDIS is all well and good," Jack smirked, gesturing at the walls around them, "But how are you planning to get it out?" Nine and Ten looked at each other. Nine looked at the ceiling. Ten looked at Jack. Nine sighed and looked back at Ten.

"'Fraid he's got a point." Ten tapped his fingers on the console, thinking.

"We could use Jack's teleport."

"My teleport?" Jack laughed. "I don't think my teleport can penetrate the TARDIS, even if she dropped her defenses. The telepathic field's too strong." Nine scratched the back of his head and frowned.

"He's right, I don't think that would work. I think the only way to get the shark out of the TARDIS is to just open the doors and shove it out."

"Open the doors?" Jackie looked horrified. "You're gonna open the doors while we're in the middle of the ocean?"

"We can manage it," Ten said unperturbed. "I mean, the room's gonna fill with water, but you lot can just go back into the rest of the ship, leave the controls to us. You'll be fine and we can hold our breaths for a lot longer than you can."

"The room doesn't have to fill with water," Nine pointed out. "The TARDIS can put up a one-way shield." Ten shook his head.

"No, we'll need the water in the room so the shark can swim out." From his place on the floor, Jack starting laughing.

"You're going to let the shark _swim_ out of the TARDIS?" Ten glared at him.

"Yes, unless you've got a better idea."

"So what you're saying," Jack said between giggles, "is that you two are going to be hanging out in the console room with a 30-foot shark while you wait for it to _swim _out.'" Jack fell over on his side giggling. "It's gonna eat you!" Nine sighed.

"'Fraid he's got a point again. Still, we can't teleport it out, so it's going to have to be moved out somehow physically. But we can't let it eat us." He tilted his head to one side in thought. "S'pose we could sedate it."

"Oh, that's brilliant," Jack scoffed. "You're gonna sedate a 10-ton shark. And then I suppose when you open the doors, you two will have no problem just picking it up and setting it outside."

"As helpful as you're being right now Jack, you could at least be more polite in your criticism," Ten snapped. Jack grinned impishly.

"Bite me." Ten glared at him. "No really," Jack said, "bite me. Right about here." He indicated with his hand. Ten rolled his eyes and groaned.

"Just remember you're a lousy kisser," Nine commented. Jack turned purple and didn't say anything else. Ten leaned against the console to think again.

"Right, if we sedate the shark, we won't be able to move it. Even you and I together wouldn't be able to shift the thing, not with its size." Nine nodded in agreement.

"Right."

"But if we don't sedate the shark, it'll eat us." Nine nodded again.

"Right."

"So what we've got to do," Ten continued, "Is figure out another way to move it that doesn't rely solely on strength. 'Cause I think you'll agree we have to sedate it. Anything beats being eaten by it."

"We could put it in a harness with a pulley," Nine suggested.

"Or set it on some sort of cart," Ten mused. "Do we still have that rickshaw Huizhong gave us?" Nine shook his head.

"Too flimsy." Jack made a strangled hiccuping sound. Ten glanced over and bristled when he saw that Jack was laughing again.

"Wait a minute!" Nine held up his hand and Ten looked back at him. Nine grinned. "What if we just tip the TARDIS? Let it fall out. Gravity can do the work."

"Idn't that gonna be a bit uncomfortable for us?" Mickey asked. Nine shook his head.

"Nah. You won't notice it in the other rooms."

"We'd better not," Rose muttered, moving over to sit down next to Jack. Such action proved to be a mistake as Jack leaned over waving his tongue at her. Jackie promptly charged over and smacked him upside the head. The Doctors completely ignored the situation.

"Now how are we gonna sedate it?" Ten asked.

"We could get the quoits out of the game room," Nine suggested. "Adapt one to a syringe and fill it with detomidine or something." Ten frowned.

"Not very nice darting it, really. That'd probably hurt. What if we just introduce the sedative into the water? That should do the trick." Nine nodded in agreement.

"All right. You want to sedate it before we get it in the ship or after? If we do it before it should be easier to materialize around it when it's not moving."

"Better do it after," Ten advised. "It might be a bit harder to materialize around it when it's swimming, but if we sedate it first it'll still be moving when it falls through the water. Unless we wait until it hits the bottom. And we don't want to knock out all the other fish along with it." He looked at Nine and grinned. "'Sides, what's the fun of having a giant live shark in the TARDIS if it's asleep the whole time?" Nine grinned back and the decision was made. A glance at the monitor showed that the shark was swimming near the TARDIS, looking at it curiously and occasionally poking it with its nose.

"That makes it easy, then." Nine said. "Here you keep track of the shark and feed me the coordinates, and I'll set the materialization sequence."

"Right." Ten turned to the console and starting making calculations. Nine pulled a lever and the time rotor whirred.

"You know, you lot are probably gonna want to stay on the edge of the room," he advised the humans. "Stay on the left, I'll try to get the shark on the right."

"_Try_ to get the shark on the right?" Rose demanded as she, Jackie and Mickey moved to the left next to Jack, who had finally decided to stand up. Jackie had Rose's hand in a death grip and was eying both Doctors anxiously.

"Should... should we be in 'ere?" she asked, her voice coming out slightly squeaky. Her eyes moved desperately to the door that led to the rest of the TARDIS.

"You don't have to leave until we get ready to get the shark out," Nine said cheerfully, ignoring her terror. "You'll want to see this - a historic moment, putting a shark in the TARDIS." He glanced over at Ten. "Ready?" Ten grinned.

"Ready."

"Right, then." Nine entered the dematerialization sequence. The console room was bathed in the familiar green light, the TARDIS siren screeched above their heads, and the ship bucked and jerked even though they were barely going to be moving a few metres. Ten was staring into the monitor, his graceful fingers flying over the controls.

"Almost there," he muttered to Nine. "Half a metre over and follow the course I'm sending you..." Nine looked down at the console, his eyes searching as Ten's coordinates appeared before him.

"Got it," he acknowledged, his own fingers matching Ten's for speed. "One more moment..." Nine cried out exultantly and banged his fist on the console. Not a metre away from the Doctors, an enormous shark appeared, water dripping off of it as it writhed and gasped for air, its teeth gleaming pale and huge in the light of the TARDIS console. Jackie screamed, Rose gave a gasp of surprise and fear, Mickey tried to meld himself into the wall to move further from the shark, and Jack stared at the behemoth with wide eyes. Then something seemed to shift, almost within them, and they were suddenly no longer standing in the console room, but in a vast chamber adorned with statues of angels and gargoyles, plants growing freely around the walls of light brown stucco. The shark was now swimming sedately in the pool that dominated the center of the chamber.

Well, not exactly sedately. The water turned frothy as the shark swam back and forth, scouring the perimeter of its new home. It leaped halfway from the water, gnashing its teeth and then diving back under. Jackie was standing with her mouth hanging open, but it wasn't from fear of the shark. She was gazing wide-eyed at the beautiful room about them, its great size and cool, natural atmosphere striking her to the soul. Mickey's reaction was more controlled, but he was no less impressed. Rose was simply gazing about in delight, wondering where this room had been all her life. Jack was the only one who simply leaned casually against the wall, eying the Doctors whom he had not yet forgiven for keeping his blaster from him. The Doctors spun around, sheer triumph and exultation shining on their sea-swept faces.

"Fantastic!" Nine shouted. "Absolutely fantastic!" Ten nodded vigorously, his enthusiasm bubbling over in a wordless cry of delight. He looked at Nine, beaming but curious.

"You know, I used to say 'fantastic' all the time," he mused. "I wonder why I stopped."

"It's a great word," Nine affirmed.

"Yeah, it really is." Ten glanced back at the shark and grinned. "I'll have to use it more often."

"Well, hate to break up the party _gentlemen_," Jack interjected. "But why don't we see about getting the thing out of here now?" Ten frowned, his eyes turning puppy dog as he watched their new guest try to eat the side of the pool.

"Oh, I don't know," he said wistfully. "Don't you think we could keep it? It'd make a wonderful pet. Look, he's already bonding with the TARDIS." Jack snorted.

"I wouldn't call it bonding, so much as tasting." He grinned at the implication and waggled his eyebrows. "Your pet's getting fresh with the TARDIS..." His voice took on a sing song air. Ten blanched and shifted uncomfortably as the shark continued to chew the organic concrete. He hoped he was imagining the change in the hum of the TARDIS engines. Nine too seemed ruffled by recent events.

"Oi, stop that!" he yelled at the shark, striding forward impulsively. The shark surged forward at his approach, but Ten grabbed him before he got close enough for the shark to bite his leg off. "Thanks," Nine sighed as the shark submerged itself again. "That could have been bad."

"Quite." Ten grinned cheekily. "If it had eaten you, I would've disappeared." Nine cleared his throat.

"Right, we're not keepin' it."

"No, I don't think we will," Ten agreed, visibly shaken. "Shall I get the detomidine?"

"Oh, let's keep it awake for a little while yet," Nine coaxed. "It's so much fun to watch, and it's stopped chewin' the side of the pool." The shark promptly poked its head out of the water and bit down on the edge of the concrete. Nine swallowed. "On second thought, let's get the detomidine now." He hurried out of the room toward the med-lab. Ten shrugged and remained where his was, no longer needing to get the sedative himself. He considered trying to distract the shark with the sonic screwdriver, but thought better of it, not wanting the behemoth to leap out at him, teeth gnashing. Nine would be back in a few moments and the madness would stop. True to his prediction, his former self dashed in a minute later, a small canister of detomidine clenched in his hand.

"Here we are," he said, stepping carefully up to the pool and unscrewing the lid. The shark, who had stopped chewing the side of the pool and submerged due to a need of oxygen, rose once more at his approach and gnashed its teeth hungrily. Nine frowned and stepped back slightly. "Anybody get the feeling James hasn't eaten lately?" Jack giggled.

"I think he thinks you look tasty," he quipped. Rose slapped him on the cheek. Jack held in arms out in disbelief. "What is _with_ all the physical abuse lately?" he demanded. "I should be suing you guys for domestic violence." Ten glared over at him.

"Then we should be suing you for sexual harassment!" Jack rolled his eyes.

"_Harassment_? I'm just trying to get you people to be more flexible!" Jack thought a moment. "Heh, heh. _Flexible_." He drew the word out on his tongue. Ten narrowed his eyes as Jack glanced back up at him.

"Okay, okay, point taken!" Jack held up his hands in surrender. Ten ignored him, turning his attention back to Nine, who was watching the shark and looking for an opportune moment to throw the sedative in. The shark had submerged again, but was watching Nine carefully, daring him to step closer. Ten took in the situation, glancing from Nine to the shark, pulling out his sonic screwdriver, and then casting his gaze back over at Jack, an impish expression lighting up his face. He stuffed the sonic screwdriver back into his pocket and turned to Nine.

"Just a minute, there," he said to his former self. "The shark's going to be very distracted in a few moments - you can toss it in then." Nine looked at him earnestly.

"You sure you want to do that?" he asked. Ten grinned.

"Oh, _I'm_ not going to be the one to distract it. No, that honor goes to Jack." So saying, he grabbed the arm of the former Time Agent and dragged him from his place next to Rose.

"Hey," Jack shouted, struggling against the Time Lord, but failing miserably in the face of superior alien strength. "Persecution! Discrimination! Willful exposure to possible disemberment! This is inhuman!"

"Lucky we're not human, then." Ten brushed the arguments off with a grin. Jack changed tactics, instead pouring out a stream of invectives, some of which the TARDIS flatly refused to translate. Ten winced. "Dear me, Jack, that's the mouth you snog with." Jack was too busy trying to wriggle out of the Doctor's grip to shoot back a response. Ten yanked him out towards the pool and gave him a small push. "There you go Jack, flirt with the shark!" he suggested cheerily. Jack gasped as the shark caught sight of him, half-springing out of the water in his direction. Jack stumbled quickly backwards, assisted by Ten, who actually was watching to make sure he didn't get eaten.

With the shark distracted, Nine jumped forward, tipped the contents of the canister into the pool, and then beat a hasty retreat as the shark, cheated of the prospect of Jack, turned its attention to him. The shark sank back under the water in disappointment and remained there for several moments. Jack stopped shrinking away from the pool and stepped carefully closer, encouraged by the fact that the shark didn't immediately snap at him. Rose stepped up to join the Doctors in staring at the shark, and even Jackie and Mickey came tentatively away from the wall to peek in. The shark didn't rise. It stayed serenely beneath the water, paying them absolutely no attention. Nine grinned, opened a control panel hidden in the stucco wall, and pressed a button. Jets of water spurted out of the sides of the pool, sending a current rushing past the shark.

"What'd you do that for?" Mickey asked.

"Sharks need to have water passing over their gills in order to draw out the oxygen," Nine explained. "They swim even while they're asleep, to keep the water flowing over the gills and allow them to breathe."

"As far as we know, while he's sedated like this, he can still sort of run on autopilot," Ten continued. "But it doesn't hurt to give him a little help, just in case. And anyway, the pool's a bit smaller than he's used to." He grinned and rubbed his hands together. "Right, then! Shall we head to Erricos?"

"Don't see why not." Nine headed for the door past the pool and opened it to reveal the console room. Ten followed him in and moment later the time rotor sprang to life. Another few minutes and the Doctors came in grinning.

"We have arrived," Ten announced expansively.

"Great," Jack growled. "The sooner this thing's dealt with, the sooner I get my blaster back."

"Because _that_ is the most important part of this whole adventure," Nine said, rolling his eyes.

"It's the most important part to _me_," Jack groused. "Someday I'm gonna steal your sonic screwdriver and see how you like it."

"You'd better not," Nine muttered grimly. Next choosing to ignore Jack, he looked up at everyone and smiled brightly. "Right! Now, all you pesky humans, move further into the ship. Rose, why don't you just take everyone to your room-"

"Oh, yes, yes, yes!"

"-except Jack."

"What! Come on! This is ridiculous!" Rose threw her arm around Jack's shoulder and started to lead him from the room.

"Come on, Jack, I can 'ave who I want in my room, they don't have a thing to say about it. Come on mum, Mickey." Jack grinned, turning to stick his tongue out at the Doctors as he left the room. Nine merely glared at him, but Ten responded by loosening his tie and pulling off his suit jacket, making it look like he was about to undress as soon as everybody left the room. He fluffed his hair for good measure. Jack's eyes widened in desire before he disappeared around the corner and the door slammed shut in his face. Nine looked at Ten and chuckled. Ten grinned as he started to rebutton his suit.

"Just giving him a taste of his own medicine," he said brightly.

"Not a bad method, that," Nine agreed. He looked up at the ceiling. "All right, we're ready," he called. The pool room started to melt away around them, the light brown stucco shifting to a copper gold, parts of it sinking away into hexagonal depressions. The green plants pulled away to another dimension and in their place sleek, twisting columns rose, the gleaming white light from beneath the floor exposing the warm orange tint that washed smoothly over them. The pool room was gone and in its place the console room shone and vibrated with life.

The only thing remaining to show that the pool room ever existed was the pool itself, the top of the water frothing gently from the jets while the shark rested calmly beneath. Nine approached the pool whispering his thanks to the TARDIS, then ran his hand over the wall, finding the same panel he had used earlier, this time submerged in the wall of the console room. He shut off the jets, as they were to become unnecessary in a moment and the frothing water would only be a hindrance. Turning, he pulled a small vial out of his pocket, showing it to Ten.

"Thought I'd give it a small stimulant as we throw it out," he said. "Let it wake up and get back into its routine so it's not floating around the ocean for another hour without its senses." Ten nodded.

"Sounds fine." Nine dumped the vial back into his pocket, then looked at Ten and grinned, asking the same question as before.

"Ready?" Ten grinned back and gave the same response.

"Ready." Nine moved to the doors and yanked them open. The salt water of the great oceans of Erricos poured in, drenching him to the skin. He took one last breathe of air, then held it, turning to see Ten do the same. Within moments, the console/pool room filled with water. Nine half swam over to the console, gripping it with one hand and entering a short sequence command with the other. He remained at the console and Ten clung onto the railing as the TARDIS began to slowly tip over on its side, exposing the open room to the bottom of the sea. Nine sent the TARDIS a request and she kindly obliged. The bottom of the pool slowly began to rise, pushing the shark up until the pool bottom had reached the level of the console room's floor with the shark set sedately upon it.

The TARDIS continued to tip steadily and the shark began to slid toward the doors. Its tail caught for a moment on part of the railing, but Ten pulled himself over and unstuck it. The shark slid forward again, more quickly as the tilt became quite steep. It was heading for the open doors, sliding serenely to the open space, now less than a metre away. Nine sprang from the console to the railing, fishing the vial out of his pocket. Pulling the lid off with his teeth, he reached an arm over and dumped the contents of the vial into the shark's gills. The shark slipped past the open doors and plummeted into the ocean below.

Nine and Ten waited, looking on in interest, their sharp eyes picking out the shark's dark shape even as it floated off. Several moments passed, and then the shape jerked slightly, turning over and twisting around to face the TARDIS again. Seeing the Doctors waving cheerily at it, it sped through the water toward them. The Doctors waved to the shark one last time, then the doors slammed quickly shut and Nine hurried back to the console to begin the dematerialization sequence. Ten, on the other hand, simply started swimming about, a lopsided smile on his face as he cavorted just below the ceiling of the console room. Nine glanced up at his future self in surprise. Ten waved and did a backflip. Nine started the sequence to move them to another part of the ocean, away from the part that was currently inhabited by an enormous man-eating shark, then abandoned the controls and sprang up to join Ten.

The TARDIS rematerialized in a section of the ocean 400 miles from the shark, but neither Doctor made any move to return to the controls. They remained swimming in the console room, performing various acrobatic feats with various levels of success until they estimated they only had a couple of minutes left before they would need to breathe again. By unspoken agreement, they returned to the controls. Nine scanned to be certain there were no fish in the room while Ten reopened the doors, and when Ten returned the to the console, Nine reached out spun a certain dial forwards. A roaring filled their ears as the water surged past them, rushing out the open doors with a force that belayed the entrance of any other water.

The two Doctors clung to the console, their eyes shut, waiting as the blast continued. As suddenly as it began, the indoor hurricane ended, and the doors swung shut behind the protection of a one-way shield. The Doctors stood away from the console in the now spotlessly dry room, adjusting their now spotlessly dry clothes, and (in Ten's case) fluffing their now spotlessly dry hair. Ten strode to the door into the rest of the TARDIS. He disappeared to find the others and Nine ran his fingers over the controls of the now spotlessly dry console, moving the TARDIS to one of the nearby landmasses. By the time Ten came back with Rose, Jack, Jackie, and Mickey, Nine was outside in the fresh green air, leaning against a tree and gazing out at the rolling waves, touched with a pink light from the very start of a sunset.

"Nice place, this," Nine commented without looking behind him.

"Very nice," Ten agreed.

"It's beautiful," Rose whispered.

"Lovely," Jackie offered.

"Pretty fantastic," Mickey decided. Jack said nothing. Nine turned around to see the Captain staring pointedly at him.

"Ah," Nine said, remembering. He reached into a pocket and brought out Jack's sonic blaster. "One sonic blaster," he stated, dropping the object into Jack's waiting hands. "Good thing it's waterproof."

"Good thing," Jack answered stonily. But he smiled a moment later, glad to have his first love back with him. Well, not his first love. His first love had had pink hair and a wicked set of teeth. "So," Jack continued in a lighter tone, "you get the shark taken care of?"

"Yup," Nine answered.

"No trouble at all," Ten added.

"No trouble," Jack repeated. The Doctors replied simultaneously.

"No trouble."

"Well, then let's celebrate," Jack said. "There are a number of ways to choose from..." He trailed off and smiled at Rose, showing all his perfect teeth. He only missed being slapped by Jackie by sprinting toward the ocean, running onto a low ridge that overlooked the water. Jackie ran after him, and after a moment, the rest of the group gave chase. Jack was dancing away from Jackie and arguing something about a protection suit when the others arrived. Jackie finally gave in and left him alone. Nine reached for Rose's hand and Ten reached for the other. They stood together, happily gazing at the slowly sinking sun. Ten was peering over the edge of the ridge at the water only a few feet below when it happened. One moment, the water was calm and peaceful, the next the nose of an enormous shark broke the surface and lunged. Ten sprang backwards hurriedly and Nine jerked Rose back, startled bafflement in his eyes.

"But, but that's not possible. We left it ages away from here, there's no way it could have swam here in that amount of time..." He cast a sideways glance at Ten. "Did we get the wrong planet?" Ten was gazing around in an equal measure of bafflement. He shook his head.

"No, this is Erricos, all right - look, you can see the phosphorus moons just coming up over the southern horizon."

"Then what in blazes...?" Jack started laughing. Nine and Ten spun to look at him. He grinned impishly and stuck his tongue out at them.

"Maybe my teleports can't penetrate the TARDIS, but my wristcom has no trouble outside of it!" He collapsed into a fit of giggles as the Doctors stared at him.

"Captain Jack Harkness, you are going to take that shark out of here right now," Nine warned.

"Absolutely," Ten agreed. "There's no fun watching the sunset while a giant shark is trying to eat you, even if it can't reach." Jack shook his head through his laughter.

"Nothing doing! You guys have been ragging me all day - now I get to have some fun!" Nine folded his arms.

"Jack, make the shark go away," he said dangerously. Jack looked up at him and smiled.

"Or you'll do what?" he asked, checking to be sure his sonic blaster was still at his side.

"Or we'll do this." _**The 9th Doctor**_ grinned. Jack covered his ears and moaned.

"Yes, make the shark go away and we'll stop," _**the 10th Doctor**_ agreed.

"This is unfair!" Jack complained.

"The shark, Jack," _**the 9th Doctor**_ coaxed.

"I refuse!" Jack shouted through gritted teeth.

"Suit yourself," _**the 10th Doctor said, shrugging.**_ _**The 9th Doctor**_ look at his future self.

"That's a bit excessive. Do you think we ought to do that?" _**The 10th Doctor shrugged again.**_

"_**Why not?**_" _**he asked. The 9th Doctor grinned.**_

"_**Okay,**_" _**he agreed.**_

"Stop it!" Jack howled.

"_**Take away the shark.**_"

"No..." Jack protested weakly.

_**"Take it or leave it," the 9th Doctor and the 10th Doctor chorused.**_ Jack took his fingers out of his ears and rubbed his eyes furiously.

"All right!" he shouted. "All right, okay, the shark's leaving, happy!" He depressed a button on his wristcom and the shark was promptly whisked several hundred miles away. Nine and Ten grinned at each other.

"Knew he'd see it our way."

**The End**

* * *

If you made it all this way, I'm impressed! In case it wasn't clear - because I'm not sure if it was! - Jack is claiming to be the representative of the author, and so he is able to manipulate the story's text by declaring the author's desired changes. The peculiar telling-the-Doctors-apart motif came from me trying to figure out how I wanted to specify the two of them, I think. I wrote this a considerable amount of time ago and I'm not sure why... Hope you enjoyed!


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